I'm going to write in this, because shamras asleep, my mom is out of town, and I'm ALONE.
Anthony Michael Ball.. will i ever forget him? Prolly not, but, would I want too??
My First Love, First Fuck, First REAL guy I cared for.. I was with him for a long time.. he meant everything to me.. my world, my life!!
I broke up with him, becaue I was battling anorexica.. needed to focus on myself, on getting better, before my mom shippd me off to some place.. where they MAKE u do shit, and that would be even harder on him. I already knew things were bad for him, every pound I lost, another inch of his heart that got scrapd away..
I hate myself, for ever loosing him.. he was the best thing that ever happened to me..
I fuck up.. bad recently.. trying to get over him.. thinking he hates me more than anyone on the planet, he would never say "i love you back" or treat me like he still cares.. so i figured it was time to try and move on.. [being on the rebound] and well.. it wasnt the time.. because i wasn't feeling it.. i made out with kristies ex-boyfriend.. and she showed up too.. and it was interesting. I stopped as soon as I heard her voice.
I fuckd up.
I have never felt so low.. so depressed, so torn.
I hate myself and wish I could die..
I love him, and he doesnt believe that I do..
Doesn't love me back..
I'm sorry, VERY sorry, and he doesnt believe that either.
I'm a fuck up, alwayz have been, alwayz will be
Fuck up eveyrones life.. no matter who they are.. i mange to do it.
Just, I didn't want to fuck his up.. we had some amazing times.. and I miss him... and Love him.
He hates me, or dislikes me, and wants nothing to do with me.

Tonight.
Today.
Tomorrow.

Forever, in my heart...

I died...
Died for love.

Hey! 2 days til Christmas! I'm excitied and have my spirit still! Last day of school was yesterday and it was pretty good. Today i hada get up at 530 cause I had to come to work with my madre. I had an appointment today with a nutritionist/dietition... it went well. I'm excitied with the future plans. Scared, but excitied. I'm going to try and not care too much about my weight, even though that's really hard... I'm supposed to start seeing a counsler soon, someone I go way back with so I'm kind of looking forward to that starting. Cause I'm actually willing for all this to happen, and that's the first step. I'm prolly going to be homeschooled next year my mother said, which is a good thing. I'd love to start now, but I need my credits and since I'm taking ADVANCED classes it looks a lot better if I finish out this year well. I'm actually at my mom's work right now, she had to go to lunch with her worker people, and I stayed here and had what the dietition said for me to have.... raisins and nuts... my mid-morning snack. And I'm to eat every 4-5 hours. I'm FREEZING! I wish my mother would get back here and turn on the friggin heater, cause I dunno how too... it some gas/fire thing, I dunno. But it lit my pants on fire this morning... yeah... it was interesting. I have to start drinking these... boost drink things. With like tons of calories and shit in them... x.x loaded with sugar and stuff like that. But I'm to stay accountable and I'm going to try my hardest to do this, cause I don't look good, I'm boobless and buttless, and it's nasty! I hate all the stress I'm causing my family also... so my recovery begins. (I'M COLD!!) Anthony and I broke up... and it's prolly permant this time, because I have no real plans of getting back together. But he's in Florida right now with his mother for Christmas. I had pretty bad timing but it was something that had to be done, what's best... I feel at least. But yeah.... i love lotions! My mom has this lotion i found in her desk and OMG it smells so good! It's called vanilla bean noel... it's like all christmasy... lol i <3 it! I have guitar lessons tonight and then I get to go out with Kenny and get my mom's present. I just hope that their open... I've been looking for their phone number but can't find it so hopefully their there.... x.x If not, that's going to SUCK! Tomorrows the eve before christmas eve... lol woot!! I love christmas!!

2 days til Christmas!!